If other deities just aren’t quite “alpha” enough for your hardened sword-swinging veteran, muscled scallywag, or sulky-eyed barbarian with massive pectorals, then Behold! the ancient temple of Ar’Nuuld the Mightily Thewed, God of Strength, Manly Manliness, and Feats of Athleticism that are not Pansy Dexterous Stuff, complete with plenty of portcullises which to lift and bars therein to bend, deluxe sun-roofed flexing pit, where brocolyte and faithful alike can slather a bit of wizard grease (the spell, not the rendered fat of magic-users, though it comes aplenty) on their honed and minotaur hormone-enhanced flexors and praise Ar’Nuuld among the equally strapping; a chamber housing the Unliftable Stone of Ar’Nuuld itself, which has thrown out many an olympian back and only been budged a quarter of an inch in twelve centuries; and now featuring a members-only sauna! (Please forgive the mess: the leg area of our temple has long ago collapsed into ruin).

Memberships available via the Sacred Rites of Mad Gains and the Shibboleth of Form (and 20 gold pieces per moon or 50 gold pieces for three moons, paid in full).

Below, I’ve included stats and background info for Ar’Nuuld based upon TSR’s Deities and Demigods (1980) and Richard J. LeBlanc, Jr.’s Petty Gods. Hopefully there is enough included (and not included) to allow you to include Ar’Nuuld in your own campaigns. In the future, I also hope to write a whole adventure centered around this temple and The Mightily Thewed’s worshippers.

Ar’Nuuld
(God of Strength, Manly Manliness, and Feats of Athleticism which are not Pansy Dexterous Stuff)
TITLES: The Mightily Thewed, The Lord of the Dead-Lift, He of the Incredible Squat

Bust of Ar’Nuuld painted by Rokor the Unphased, brocolyte of the 12th Set

SYMBOL: A heavily vasculated, flexed bicep
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
MOVEMENT: 90′ (18″)
ARMOR CLASS: -6
HIT PTs. (HD): 170 (30HD)
ATTACKS: 2 (special)
DAMAGE: 4d10/special
SAVE: F18
INTELLIGENCE: durrhhh… Do you even lift?
PLANE: The Buffing Halls of Gymnos
XP: You Don’t Even

Ar’Nuuld is the God of Strength, according to some; others say he is a God of Beauty who would very much like to be thought of as a god of strength. Nevertheless, he is worshipped primarily by those pursuers of the Maddest of Gains such as fighters, barbarians, and males of courting age (or middle-age) with something to prove. Other deities claim to be patrons of those of the mighty thews, but none of those “pouser” petty deities who have arisen in these latter millennia can hold a well-oiled flex to Ar’Nuuld. His name is most often invoked by those in the midst of feats requiring strength (or at least showmanship) in hopes of success (or foregoing the embarrassment of injury). His temples serve the lands around them sometimes as training grounds but more often as places for the weakling masses to look upon in jealousy, which they are wont to do when standing before the swole forms of his worshippers and brocolytes. When glimpsed in his true form, there is always a gleam of oil upon Ar’Nuuld’s bronzed skin and those who do not avert their eyes will find themselves overwrought with feelings of envy and unworthiness (save vs. petrification). Often brocolytes at his temples will wake for their morning reps, and after having gorged upon the milk of minotaurs and whey, they will come into their gyms and find mysterious sweaty prints left upon their sacred equipment. They know then that they have been blessed with his presence during the night.

Ar’Nuuld Reaction Table

2     Friendly: Ar’Nuuld passes by, hardy looking upon his petitioner as he gawks upon the god’s form, and says in a thick accent of unclear origin, “Wow, nice gains. You need a spotter?” The petitioner is totally pumped and receives bonuses upon all feats of strength for the rest of the day.
3-5  Indifferent: The Mightily Thewed has glanced over at the petition while he engages in a mighty effort and nods. The petitioner is taken by a sudden impulse to prove himself worthy and gains a bonus on his next feat of strength.
6-8  Neutral: The petitioner is unworthy of Ar’Nuuld’s attention. Keep trying, bro.
9-11 Unfriendly: Ar’Nuuld has glimpsed the petitioner’s pathetic wimpish attempts at being a manly man and shaken his head in disappointment. The petitioner is shamed and suffers a penalty on the next feat of strength he attempts.
12 Hostile: The petitioner has stared too long at He of the Mighty Gains’s calves and shall feel his wroth! The petitioner’s muscles stiffen like he’s attempted to lift beyond his puny means. He suffers penalties on feats of strength for the rest of the day.

–Billy Longino